This month has been very eventful for me. I started the month by going to Between the Worlds for the first time. I didn't know what to expect going out in the woods with a bunch of pagan homos. But, I finally figured out that I finally found a place that I feel at home and myself. In one week I met new friends, learned a lot about my beliefs, found a new purpose, and faced the Darkness and found peace. I expected change, but not on this level.
I took with me a friend from my space and didn't quite know how that would turn out. Once there, Eros showed me many paths to explore and challenges to enjoy. I met Hecate and was able to find out what she wanted from me. The entire event was very fluid spiritually, emotionally and physically. I learned that my power comes from raw passion and learned how much I depend on it and need to understand it. We went through a ritual that took us through the Underworld, stripped us of our defenses and left us bare before the Queen. I was tempted by my some of my worst fears, and I have never felt more assured in my resolve.
I made connections on VERY different levels that are each and every one special to me. There were men that appeared so self aware that doubted there place. There were passionate men that possessed both tenderness and animal ferocity. Some people were put off by me and some completely entranced. The whirl of power and passion, intelligence and desire, truth and trickery was intoxicating. I saw saw many lives changed for the good by the end of the week.
3 hours after leaving Sactuary the storms started ripping through. It seemed as tho it could no longer be held at bay and needed to release. I was safe but scared at times. My car swerved lanes, I felt the car lift off the ground slightly and the damage all around was astonishing. Once home, my normal life pulled unforgivably on the blissful clouds I was walking on. My home life is both charmed and difficult.
I have a home and my own business. I care for my mother who is among other things Bi-Polar/ADD/Chemically addicted. Considering all that she did a wonderful job raising me. There are many pros and cons that go along with that type of dynamic as a child. But, for the here and now, I am very aware that she will always be dependant on me for support and guidance. This is a situation that fuels me and tires me. I have found some balance with my lot in life. I am very aware what benefits I get from this situation and am dealing with the pain involved. When I got back some people had expressed concern that she might have been using while I was gone. I don't know. With this situation one learns to pick your battles.
This past weekend I went back to my hometown in Southern IL. It is one of those places that has a dark cloud over it. My soul feels dirty....empty .... every time I go there. Before I left for BTW, my grandmother (Ma Ma) went into the hospital. They found several blockages and decided there is nothing that they will do to unblock them. They have not left us much hope. She has been grandmother, mother and friend to me. My Cousin, whom I am very close with, got married. She had me create this amazing up style that required 2 hours of work, 2 pink and 2 brown ostrich feather, and 22 inches of additional hair.. It was one of the most beautiful things I have ever created in my 14 year career of wedding styles. I ran into my ex. His Names is Larry, but I call him Satan. He was the one; the one that I gave my whole heart and soul to, the one that let me feel the deepest type of love, the one that shattered me, the one that tore apart who I once was. I had 2 choices; be lost to the darkness or let Quetzalcoatl eat away the old to create room for a new creation. I chose the latter. I finally agreed to see him. So much was stirred within me, but one thing. He no longer owned my soul. That weakness has been conquered. Although, I still love him, fear him, now I pity him; he is a slave of his choices and bound to pain . I see in him a Destiny of promise never fulfilled.
Today I finished my Tattoo on my leg. I have a large Quetzalcoatl bound by a band with a symbol of Hecate. It hurts. It is beautiful. It is where I am at right at this moment.
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contemplative
disappointed
irate
anxious
grateful